A Letter to My Children (Hopefully)

My prayer for you involves a lot of things. I pray that this world will not evade you or corrupt you. You will live in it but not of it. I pray that you will not settle for anything, but in all things strive to be the best you can be. I earnestly pray that you will see Jesus in me and in the world around you, that your precious heart will grow to love his and that you will find his hand and hold on tight as you grow up. I want you to like who you are, but never be afraid of change. Change is not scary, it is a beautiful opportunity to become your best self, to achieve a better version of yourself. I pray that as a follower of the Lamb of God, you too will die everyday to sin and live in freedom and salvation. I pray that you will experience all of life's joys, and some of the pains, but never carry a burden on your sweet shoulders. I want you to taste the breeze when it blows on your face. I want you to feel the sun as it lays on your skin. Laugh passionately. Never live vicariously. Always drink responsibly. I can hardly wait until the sweet moment in time when you realize it's not all about you and your heart cries out for redemption. I can't wait until you feel what loving God is like. The bliss of hearing your little voice. I can't wait to watch you grow. I can't wait to see you wonder about the mysteries in this life. I pray that you will think critically in everything and lovingly toward all people. I can hardly wait for the moment when you truly make me laugh. I can't wait to embrace you and know that you're mine. I can't wait until you can embrace me back. My hope is that you live life intentionally without even understanding what it means to regret. Never be ashamed of your desires. Always, always follow your passions because the Lord put them in you. Live humbly. Be a peace-maker. Be kind. Share. Above all else, love God, love man.

Peace

"Sun turns the evening to rose"

The other day I drove back to Tuscaloosa from Birmingham to meet my friends to watch a football game, a game that propelled the Crimson Tide to the #2 spot in the poles. I wanted to get back and immediately reflect on the beauty of the sky as I drove back on the interstate, but the game called to me and I had to respond. Luckily, beauty like that does not leave the mind's eye very easily and I feel like thinking about it now.
The first thing that I noticed coming down I-459 was in this chunk of cloud covering the area I was approaching in my car. There in the middle of the giant covering of cloud was a slice of brilliantly bright light. It made me think of a stab wound, as morbid as some might say that is. It was the only glimpse of the heavens I could see from underneath this cloud, and searing right through it were beams of light that cut through the gray expanse of sky. It was an amazing sight. I almost tried to take a picture of it, but because I was the only one commandeering the vehicle, I decided against it and allowed my brain to store it instead.
Every time I see light doing something like that, it always reminds me of the power hope has when it meets our souls. My brain is driven by imagery. When I think of hope, I think of pictures like this one. Hope is silent. It is not invasive, yet it is very present. We can choose to acknowledge it or we can ignore it, but whether we choose to believe it or not does not change the fact that it exists. Hope cuts through the clouds that often shroud our lives like a beam of radiant light. It is not like a sunny day that makes everything look brighter, but it is that powerful glimmer that gets through no matter what. It can change the way we see the world, but it can also be a ray of light that just gets us through that next moment.
The next beautiful piece of sky God gave me to enjoy on my way back came about 15 minutes outside Tuscaloosa. It was stunning. The sun was completely saturated with color. It was almost wet with this juicy orange hue and it was so full that it seeped into the surroundings. Drops of the sunglow landed on the sky and made it look like a watercolor paint book I loved when I was a little girl. The colors bled, pink into blue into purple into lightest orange. The glow of the the orange orb even soaked into the ground. This interstate I've driven so many times was no longer the dull, lifeless sandy color it always is, but it was a luscious red/orange. The sun spilled over its light and the concrete drank it in and came alive with this sparkling color. It truly was nothing short of gorgeous. I don't think we can take too much joy from this life, at least not from moments like these. I think the Lord wants us to notice these things. Why else would he do this but to display his majesty, glory and creativity? He could just as easily let day give way to night without the display of color he allows in sunset. I think sunset and sunrise occur to remind us of what he did for us and what he does for us everyday. His mercies are new every morning, giving us hope and joy in our salvation. Light breaks the darkness in the morning bringing new promises with the day and light does not go quietly into the night without putting up a fight. It creates a brilliant light-show then glimmers until the very last before throwing itself on the moon to light our way even in the darkness. Our God daily puts his light before us to show us his way for our lives. Scenes like the ones I got to experience that Saturday remind me that we have a big God who is capable of huge love, one that spans the skies and closes the chasm between sinners and a holy god.

Peace

Jeremiah 29:11

Tonight I read the blog of a woman who is one of my cousin's best friends from college. She was her matron of honor in her wedding and she is one of the sweetest women I've ever met. About 2 months ago she and her family suffered the loss of her 4 year-old daughter. The death of this little girl was a complete shock as she became very ill very quickly.
When I think about parents that have to go through the pain of losing a child it is too difficult for me to even comprehend. I've known a few couples who have had to go through this, but reading her thoughts tonight gave me new perspective. This is a terrible loss. As humans, we anticipate the arrival of our babies for 9 months. We get to watch them grow and mature. We see them become enlightened to new things. For me, I cannot wait for the day when I can see my children start to love Jesus with their lives. With all the promise of their new, precious little lives, it is unbearable to think that they can end so suddenly.
What amazes me in Hope and Billy's story is the hope that they have. Hope expresses her deep sorrow and the "ache" of missing her baby girl. What is so encouraging about her thoughts though is that through her willingness to be transparent God's power is made perfect. I can see now how God's power is made perfect through our weakness. I can imagine that even getting up in the morning would be a huge struggle for me, and it probably is for this family, but He can get us up in the morning. Their story brings hope and encouragement even to people like me who would say they have never experienced suffering that great. But I think it is appropriate that her name is Hope. God has given us hope for a future, and that is enough.

Peace

Scream and Yelp all You Want...It's Not Going to Make You Any Younger!

What is it with 40 year-old moms going to concerts with their kids?! Let them have some space! I'll tell you what, I went to a concert last night where the median age was, oh, 17, and there's a mom rocking out in the front row doing some of the most atrocious moves I've ever seen. I mean, at first glance she looked sane enough. Passing her on the street I would have thought, "Yeah, that lady's got her stuff together", and maybe she does...all except her age. It's not that I doubt that she knows how old she is. I'd actually say she's faced with the number everyday and that's why she found herself in the front row of the Rooney concert last night. Girlfriend's in denial. Maybe she was a young mother, and now her daughter is old enough to go to concerts and talk about boys and she's just been itching for that companionship since she was born. I can understand that, I guess, but I think there's a more acceptable way of handling that relationship. Not going to the concert for starters. That's just a simple way of letting your daughter know, "Hey, as much as I'd like to go and pretend I'm the cool older woman, I'm actually going to be the cool mom and let you out of the house for a couple of hours without me. I'm going to choose to not live vicariously through you." Now, I understand that it's hard to grow up and that it's a process of slowly easing into your age, but come on mom, speed it up a little! If you must go to the concert, stay out of the front row and try to refrain from making moves that embarrass the people around you! Also, taking pictures of the cute guy on stage (who is most likely about 15 years your junior) and screaming like a teenager when he looks at you is pushing it a little too far over the line. She was just one delusional thought away from throwing her panties onstage. I just can't handle weird moms like that. Gross! Life's a big cosmic Toys-R-Us commercial and we're all singing "I don't want to grow up" and God's saying, "You know what, too bad!" We all need to quit our whining and make some big kid steps into reality.

Peace

If I Have Not Love

God chooses ordinary people with ordinary abilities to create great change. Alone we may be powerless to create even a ripple of difference, but within the beautiful bond that is the community shared in the body of Christ, enormous waves of change can alter the face of huge world problems such as poverty and hunger. This is what we are called to. These aren't tedious tasks to be taken lightly. Being a follower of Christ is a lifestyle and means living like he did, humbly and sacrificially. After all, this life was never truly ours to begin with, and this is true even more so for the believer in and follower of Jesus Christ. Who are we to claim our life and what we do or don't do with it? It has been bought at the highest possible price, the blood of Jesus. But I think that in the church we have gotten a few things muddled about the whole living sacrificially thing. It's all for the sake of comfort. We love to protect ourselves. Insurance, security systems, even steel bars to put over the steering wheels of our cars. We want to feel safe and secure, but aren't these tactics the very thing that's gotten us where we are today? We shut people out and marginalize others by acting in a way that says, "my stuff is much more important than yours and it's too expensive for me to think of sharing with anyone else, so I'm going to attach an alarm to it just in case you get greedy and decide to take it from me." But aren't we the same people that go to worship services every week and sing out with eyes closed, tears streaming and hands reaching to heaven, saying things like "you're all I need" and "I have nothing to give but my life"? I'm guilty of it just as much as the next guy, but is any of that true? I know I certainly have my life to give, but I have so much clutter in it that I can give up as well. Giving our life means giving our all, nothing less than that. We claim all this and put human attributes on God thinking that even if we say it and don't do it, he understands. I think this philosophy is wrong. He's God, not our mom. He takes our lives and our word seriously, that's why he gave them to us. I'm not saying that he isn't merciful, but (here I go with the human attributes) it's like telling your husband/wife "your love is the only thing I want" and then spending all your time focusing on work and fun and completely shirking your responsibility to your spouse. We should see this on a exponentially greater scale when we look at our relationship with God. We take his name, we should do what he did. It's all about love. Our service to others has a direct correlation to how much we love God. "If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 The thing is, love is not a guarantee. It is something you have to work at. It is something that requires relationship. We can have all these feelings to serve, to make a difference, to give our lives even, but they can be completely devoid of love and they are all dead actions. We may as well not waste our time if we aren't willing to invest in love toward God and people. I challenge myself as well as everyone who reads this to live meaningfully and live in love.

Peace

Making something out of, seemingly, nothing.

I'll be leaving for Boston tomorrow. I'm excited. The whole trip kind of sprung up on me about three days ago. Great timing! I've known about it all semester, I think I may have even signed up for it last semester. I sound really invested, right?
It's odd, but I think this is a result of a lot of factors. For starters, I saw my summer going a whole lot differently than it is. For starters, I'm working the same job I did last summer, except this time, I don't really know what for. I'll be at Children's Hospital again, working in PT, however, that's my old major. Now I'm studying to be an English teacher and I guess I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels for a little extra cash this summer. The job is giving me experience, but not the right kind. Last summer it served it's purpose extremely well. It allowed me to see what PT was all about and get a feel for the kind of work I'd be doing if I chose to follow that path. I did not choose PT, and now I'm back just to file papers and wait for 4 o'clock to roll around. I trust and hope that their is a purpose for me going back instead of doing other things I would rather be doing,(mission work, babysitting, working at a camp...). I have to believe and hope that God has bigger plans for me than doing a monotonous job all summer.
On top of the job, there's jury duty, which is inching closer and closer each day. I don't want to do jury duty. I really don't want to do jury duty. Again, it's one of those things that I never foresaw in my summer planning and dealing with it will be a test for me. I know the Lord has this there for a reason as well, I just can't figure it out.
I want so badly to believe in my own heart and mind that God has put me in these situations this summer for specific reasons. I know, because I trust him that this is true, but it is difficult to truly understand and believe that. I wanted so badly to be away from home this summer. I wanted to push my limits and be challenged. I guess my picture of a challenge is different than God's. I just want to know that I am being used by Him this summer and not wasting my time. I want to know that I can make as big an impact staying here as my friends are doing work in Africa, Texas, D.C. and Cambodia. I hate the thought of being stagnant.
So I'm going to Boston, my one mission trip this summer. I know it will be great, and I'm hoping God will use me and the rest of the team in a mighty way, as only He can. And then I'll come home. I'll start my job and I'll serve jury duty. These things have no flash. They have nothing exciting or challenging on their surface, but God has me here and with God, anything is possible. I don't know what will happen, but I know that if I am faithful to bring Him with me daily, He will be faithful in doing the rest.

Peace

Believing in His Efficiency

Coming to terms with all that I'm not and seeking to find what little in this lifetime I can about who God is. That is where my life is headed.
We have an eternal God. Me, my family of believers, and the vast world of unbelievers. We live under the sovereignty of an eternal and profoundly mighty God. I'm learning something about this one true God's character. He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy in the traditional sense...He listens to requests and pleas and answers them. He won't let you down. He is "most dependable" in the cosmic "who's who". He can be relied on. This I know...and this I've known from day one in bible school. He loves me. I can trust that.
Simple, yes, but something that could be cataclysmic to Satan's whole regime if we, as believers in this all-loving, trustworthy God, were to claim this truth in our lives. The rest of the world, the generalized "they" of unbelievers, would notice such life-altering, regime-crushing trust. Why? Because this populous of non-Christians in our world are wounded souls. They are individuals seeking--without realizing--the very thing we, as Christians, are blessed by grace to know: that we, grounded in faith in the one true and living God, can trust Him with our lives.
The world we live in is chaotic, cold, lonely, cruel, vile, teaming with sickness and evil, impoverished, and dark. Standing next to an unbeliever, a christian looks the same. There is no symbol we are forced to wear on our bodies. We are not required to wear our hair in any certain way. We don't speak in a different tongue. We experience the same emotions. By all observable standards, we are no different, except for one thing. God in us. He is distinguishable. He is our claim to fame, our only worth. Christ in us, the hope of glory. (Col. 1:27) He sets us apart. The one who calls us is faithful and he will do it. (1 Thes. 5:24) We must simply trust in our very faithful God.
God's trustworthiness means he is capable. His trustworthiness means he is in control. It means he can be counted on. Our reliance on God shows outwardly because in the hectic reality of this life, he is the calm amid the storm. He puts us in the eye of the spiraling messes around us, and others see and long for that kind of assurance. He is our sure-footing. He is our shield and defender. All these things, in analogous terms, we must trust in order for them to work.
Shields were used in battle because they were trusted to hold up against the sword of the enemy. Daily, we trust that the ground we walk on is stable enough to hold our weight. Children trust that their parents are highly capable of defending them against anything, seen or unseen, that might cause them harm. Trust is essential in all these circumstances, and our God is bigger than all of our circumstances.
Trustworthiness is definitive of who God is. Acknowledging this is foundational for us to be believers. The astounding idea is that this trait of our Lord is a fragment, a mere facet compared to the riches our God possesses; but before counting His many benefits we must first count on Him.

Peace

In the Good Old Summertime...

It's summertime. Always a time of possibility. I don't think I have ever respected summer as much as I have this summer and the last. College has made me crave summer break more than any other time in my life. I think it's the idea that before college, I knew summer meant no school, but I didn't really get away from an entire city for the whole summer. I pretty much stayed home and then went on some cool trips. Now, I get to go home, have a time of rest and renewal, then come back to school with a totally different outlook than I had the last semester. It's great stuff.
I've got my foot 7 days into the break and already I've experienced change. (And I thought this summer was going to kinda suck!)
1. Wisdom teeth...gone. Yeah, I have two deep, diva-like holes in the back of my mouth now. I have to use a giant curved-spout syringe to squirt out food matter. Yum! I do this after every meal. I also have to chop up everything into tiny, bite-size bits to be easily chewed and swallowed. No molar action at this juncture. Like I said, these holes are high maintenance. I've lost my appetite and will to live. Ok, the will to live thing is taking it too far, however, those first few moments coming down off the pain meds were pretty brutal. Anyway, they say these puppies'll heal over real nice, so we're waiting for that day of bliss.
2. I've been summoned. For what? Why, our old pal jury duty. Didn't think they could call students? Nah, they get us all, and they got me early. Hope it's criminal! (Fingers crossed)

Yeah, nothing too split-your-pants exciting to report, but there will be more.

Peace

I'm from Elsewhere

Today as I walked from one of my classes I caught myself doing some serious day-dreaming. There are certain times in my life when, to make things seem more bearable, I imagine I'm somewhere else living another life. I imagine myself and my surroundings to be in a different place and time. I could be walking around, incredibly intelligent mind you, at Harvard. Or sometimes I'm a hip young single living on her own in Nashville just waiting to be discovered by a talent agent, or a rising young song-writer, whichever comes first. It makes things seem easier to do if I can imagine for just a minute that I'm not where I am, waiting for finals to come and go. It isn't that I don't like where my life is heading, but I'm a dreamer. I like to think that I could have the great life I dream of because that is the way I set my goals. They may seem far-fetched and crazy to some people, but to me they are the fuel for my future. My imagination is the key to my drive because it reveals in me my wildest passions for life. It helps me see where I think I might thrive. Ok, so I'll never be a Harvard grad. It still makes me think that I can do my best on my work and be just as good as someone who does go there. I'm idealistic, yet very realistic. I think that smacks me right into the optimist category. I don't think that my dreams are terribly fantastic. Some are more ridiculous than others, but it's still thrilling to dream them occasionally. Dreaming is what I believe will keep me young as I get older and grayer. I am happy to hope.

Peace

The Lone Shoe

Does the Cinderella story really exist? That was my question today as I walked upon a lonely shoe lying in front of my building. It sat there, looking quite distressed, and I pondered how it managed to get there in the first place. I quickly ruled out the idea that, in the words I heard so often from my mother growing up, it "sprouted legs and walked there". Though it would be quite a story, I also doubt that an angel was flying quickly to the aid of another one of God's many children and dropped his stylish slip on. So what did happen to that shoe? It's a puzzling thing to me when there is something as important as a shoe left sitting alone by the side of the road. Does that mean that the other shoe is on someone's foot, brandishing them a limper for the rest of the day? This particular shoe looks as though it was adorning someone's foot this very day because the back of the shoe was flattened down onto the sole as though the person decided to make it into a make-shift slip on for ease. I'm guessing, like our dear fairytale friend Cinderelly, the person, in a rush to get to exam review, was walking at a brisk pace, and in the rush of the moment, walked right out of their shoe and couldn't spare a moment to walk back and retrieve it. They may have done so in hopes of finding a kindly prince who would size up their foot and return it with a kiss. This is the story that I choose to believe. The alternative of course is that the person is lazy or moronic and either didn't care enough to walk back to the shoe where they left it or is so out of touch with their own body that they didn't even realize they were walking around with a naked foot. These are also the kind of people, girls particularly, who sit in a chair with half their back exposed and never even know that they are making the entire world privy to their backside, something we don't necessarily desire the privilege of seeing. The only other explanation I can find is that someone was carrying a full bag of items, including a pair of shoes, and one slips out unbeknown to the carrier. Whatever solution we might find to this little mystery, I have to say that it must not have been a terrible loss. As far as I know, the person who lost it has no desire to find it again.

Peace

Happiest Birthlings

Today was my 20th birthday. I'll expand later on what my thoughts are on being this old, but now is not the time being that it's 4am and I'm very sleepy! I just wanted to let the record show that I have phenomenal friends. I feel very blessed tonight to have the people I celebrated my birthday with in my life. Other than that, I'm afraid I need to stop. I don't think I'm making very coherent thought and my sentences are getting a little difficult to understand.

Peace

On the "American Dream"

I had to do an extra credit assignment for one of my English Lit classes recently and I was happy with the result. We were to respond to a prompt about the subtitle to the book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson. The subtitle reads: "A Savage Journey into the Heart of the American Dream". Here is my response.

I think so much of our society today has strayed far away from the American dream and into an every man for himself mentality. The “American dream”, the one men and women have served and died for in the armed forces and the one that people in other countries often look toward for their future, started out as a good thought but turned into something ugly. By basic definition the American dream is people striving to better themselves for the good of the country. It is the idea that you can achieve anything you set out to do. It is your parents telling you at age five that when you grow up, you can do anything you want to do, be anything you want to be, go to school wherever you want to go, etcetera. The sad truth about all those encouraging words is that they are not always true. I believe that as a nation, we have become so used to hearing these words about opportunity and goal reaching, we have almost forgotten that it actually takes something more than ambition to get there. We have come to expect the good things in life to just fall in our laps because if we want it, we are told we can have it.
I think this may be what Hunter S. Thompson is saying with his subtitle “A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream”. The American dream is a savage journey. To get what you want to get, we are told that sometimes you have to step on a few toes. It is an “all for one” mentality that leaves off the “one for all” part and makes it a just a perk. For example, when someone is trying to rise to a top position in a company, I would venture to say that the company itself is not the first thing on the person’s mind. A higher position would help them achieve the American dream. They will accumulate more wealth and stature, and if their ideas happen to help the company out too, well that is great. It paints a pretty sad picture, but I fear that it is true. The American dream is savage. It causes us to think more for ourselves than for those around us.
To make the American dream a less savage idea, I believe there are certain mind-set changes we all have to make. More than striving to be the best at everything, we need to help others reach their goals as well. We need to teach our children that it takes more than talent and will to get to the top; it takes hard work and character as well. With character, we are able to look to others and work together with them to help the greater good. We are so divided as a country because it becomes about individuals rather than the whole body of Americans. It becomes about fame and fortune and not about humble service for each other so that more people are reached and served.
The American dream can be a good thought, if carried out in the right way. I would hope that Thompson might agree as well. It just means striving to do better as an individual in order to affect the country, and in many cases the world, for good. It does not have to be savage or selfish; it can honestly be something worth fighting for.

Peace

We Adjust

I find that we all adjust to the kinds of things and situations we are exposed to. For instance, the mouse on my laptop started creeping all over my computer screen all by itself as though it was possessed. My mouse has ADHD. This all commenced a little over a month ago. At first it was amusing. "Ha, my mouse is gently gliding all around my page without the aid of my finger! How funny!" Yeah, that was my first thought. That is, until my computer savvy friend couldn't fix it. So, for the past month I've just had to get over it. I've adjusted. I'm patient with it like it's a child. I've learned it's routine. Now, I place it in the line of it's creep, and when it passes (by itself) over the icon I desire to click on, I quickly pounce on the mouse-pad and double click with the dexterity and preciseness of a cat on the prowl.
Having this blog is an adjustment of sorts. I had a blog once before when I was in high school. All I can say is that to read it now makes me physically ill. Really, it's horrendous! I vowed that I would never again put my writing on the internet for others to peruse. It was too painful a to think of what they might think of my terrible free-writing. Here's where I've had to adjust. I'm essentially an English major. Meaning: I do a lot of writing and saving for my classes. Because of this fact, my poor little hard-drive is filling up quickly. I couldn't see writing journal entries and wasting hard-drive when I could simply entrust my many thoughts to the good people at Google. So here we are. Instant adjustment.
I don't think all adjustment is bad. Just take my story about the blog. I didn't yield to any kind of evil. All I did was make a choice on behalf of my computer. However, I think that sometimes I adjust to things out of laziness. Example, I've found the perfect spot on the couch while watching a movie. When it's over, I realize that before I situated myself in this comfortable position I forgot to bring the remote with me. The next movie coming on is something that I would really rather not watch, but the retrieval of the remote would require moving my body from this place of sweetness, ending the perfection forever. What do I do? I adjust. I choose one of a few options. Option 1: Look around my immediate vicinity for a creative way of getting the remote without having to move. Can I fashion a makeshift net out of my gum and that fuzzy blanket at my feet? Will my arm/leg reach it without me having to strain my muscles? Option 2: Just watch the crappy movie. Maybe it will be more enriching than you thought. Doubtful, but you don't have to move. Option 3: Fall asleep. Option 3 is generally the one I choose. It's the easiest, and, in my opinion, the most beneficial. And there, I've adjusted to the situation. It's a simple fact. We do adjust to everything.

Peace